Atheist?

So here's what happens. I'm lying on the floor next to my father watching an interesting lecture. But then my brain drifts when I realize there's Church tomorrow. And I think, I don't think about God and stuff when I'm in Church. So I start thinking about it then, on the floor, ears temporarily deaf.

And I think about how refreshing it would be if I were an atheist. Everything would just...fall into place. No more hassle. From dependence to independence, in Miss Herbert's words. Everything just dandy. There is no God.

But then I chide myself, and what happens on that dark night when you're feeling suicidal? There is no God. So when you've lost it all, you can't rely on the one who was supposed to never forsake you, because He's not there.

So how? With God, there's always a person I know I can rely on and do this for me and that and I shall never worry about being alone but I just cannot shake the feeling that God isn't as godly as He says He is. Because the word God has been used in so many ways I wish it wasn't, ("God will punish you if you don't conform to what I do", "God forbids this", "God forbids that," "Ugh you disgusting maggot, God will send you to burn in hell"). And I just can't rely on that kind of person/being.


So then, I want to be free, but I want to have a shoulder ready 24/7 to cry on. I want the best of both worlds but I don't know if I can.

Hm. What's a solution for this?


Bingo. I've found it.

So, I no longer believe in 'God'.

I believe in Him.

And no longer shall I refer to God (or 'Him' as he is now called) as God. I'll call him by whatever name I wish. 'Him' temporarily because I can't think of anything else.

And what is He?

Why, He is my friend.


He is a friend who is always there. He's a solid as you and me. He's not above me. He's gotten off his comfy sofa and is sitting on the floor cross-legged facing me. We're equals and He's the one who supplies what most people call a conscience. And He's mine. All mine. He belongs to no one else. He's not the 'God' of the whole world. Everyone else on Earth has their own Him, and this one's mine.

He has no set out rules for me such as, 'thou shalt only love whom I say so'. He's human He's felidae He's candidae He's equidae He's whatever I wish Him to be. This is going to get some being used to, like making the curiously wonderful transition from acquiantance to friend but we'll manage it.




So, I guess, I know now. The only reason I go to church is to sing for and with my friend.

God bless you mate :)