I woke up at eleven today - a sparkle of hope after all - and it took me a while to realize (How fucking stupid can I be?) that it was raining this morning - not just raining, drops splattering ungraciously against my window like in my dreams, gusty wind whooshing throughout every crevice.


Someone up there likes me.

Almost subconsciously (oh no...), I could just imagine L sitting by the kitchen counter, his murky eyes all but drowned in the sea of droplets.

And I knew this rain was my salvation, my friend, my comfort, my everything. Frankly I don't know how the fuck I associated this natural phenomenon with something like Christ's return, but so help me I did. No matter how screwed up everything was, the rain was still serene and beautiful, it knew, and it cared, but more than anything it cared about me. It cared about my happiness.

He blinked, staring at the sleepy-eyed detective as if seeing for the first time. Ryuuzaki appeared to have given up on the computer screen and had shifted his attentions outside, gazing out the window with a peculiar combination of dozy watchfulness. He was such a contradiction. A scruffy body and crooked physique concealing the sharpest mind that Raito had ever met other than his own. He felt repelled by the flagrant disregard for social norms demonstrated by Ryuuzaki’s crumpled dress and aversion to socks. He felt challenged and frustrated by Ryuuzaki’s seemingly effortless convictions and ability to get on Raito’s nerves despite his every painstaking measure of self-control. No one had ever pushed his buttons in such a way. At least, no one had ever managed to do it more than once.

No one had ever done it and still been respected by him before.

“The rain is soothing, isn’t it, Yagami-kun?” remarked L passively, eternally dark eyes sombre as he watched the shower of liquid silver fall, splattering ungraciously against the window. “Something so simple, yet so significant in the human mind. Nothing else in the world views such as thing as remarkable other than humanity. Funny, isn’t it?”

The crisp pages of the pristine hardback grew clammy beneath his fingers. Raito realized with a start that he had broken into a cold sweat. What was he thinking? For once, he himself was not sure. L couldn’t possibly know what those words meant in the context of Raito’s pounding head. Or did he?

Mother, looking at me,

Tell me, what do you see?

Yes, I’ve lost my mind.

This is ridiculous. Raito stared back at L in astonishment, aghast and yet strangely aroused. He’s just sitting there, watching the rain. Why does that make him any different? He made a careless remark, as he usually does. What is so different about it this time? He could feel something stirring inside himself. Something that was so primitive that it felt as if he had no choice in the matter; no more choice than he had in breathing. He stirred, hesitated. L didn’t move. His eyes were like dark mirrors, hollowly reflecting the shroud of raindrops that splashed before him. It was as if he were seeing something beyond it all.

((that's pretty much the end of this post, but as a fangirl, it is my obligation and my duty to press forward, so: endure! ))

This is not enough…

Lips quivered, Raito froze. Eyes fixated on the calm expression of his rival. He had never before devoted so much consideration to it. Only ever before when lazily deciding which feature he found more annoying, other than L’s personality and stupid handcuffs. Ryuuzaki’s skin was bleached unnaturally pallid by too much time indoors and in front of the monitor, rings around his eyes even darker against the paleness of his complexion. His eyes were heavily lidded, making him seem world-weary; one who has seen too much and yet cannot turn away, no matter how it strains him.

It was…familiar.

Raito knew better than anyone what it was like to step too deeply into something and not be able to back out. The only real difference between them, the only difference he realized, was that they were looking at the same thing from different directions.

This is not enough…

Raito could feel his heart rate quicken, throat clenching. He felt as though he were about to start choking on air. This is ridiculous! What was he going to do? He was certain that L must be able to hear his elevated pulse, heart thundering against his chest. What could he do? Pretend that he was fine and that nothing as monumental and cataclysmic as a revelation about his true knowledge of his rival had just occurred?

He cleared his throat quietly. He had to do something to stop his brain from losing control. His body was reacting in a way that his mind was furiously trying to deny. L was still just staring blankly out the rain-splattered window, completely unaware of what drama was unfolding internally barely a metre away from him.

And I’m all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed,

They say it’s my fault, but I want it so much.

Carefully, mouth dry, Raito leant forwards. One hand slowly raised and placed itself on L’s shoulder. The rumpled folds of Ryuuzaki’s shirt were soft, and not nearly as unpleasant as Raito had thought the unkempt fabric would be. The skin beneath them smooth and surprisingly warm; he could feel it burning beneath the linen, fingers suddenly more sensitive than ever before. What was happening to him? Instantly L’s eyes flashed to Raito, curious.

“What is wrong, Yagami-kun?” murmured L in surprise.

I wish I knew. Raito smiled slightly, wistfully. “Why do you assume that something is wrong every time I show any sign of humanity? I just want to say thank you. It’s a wonderful book. I really appreciate it.” Words threatened to follow after those. Hindbrain screamed at him to lean in and do something that he completely refused to acknowledge. This is insane. I’m going crazy. There’s no other reason why. He wanted nothing more than to reach to his head and tug at his hair in a futile attempt to distract himself.

L’s eyes didn’t leave him though, dark pupils questing silently beneath their heavy shade of thick black hair. Eyes had widened slightly. There was confusion in those eyes. A trace of suspicion, but mostly that same, stupid, wide-eyed curiosity that L turned onto everything.

Damn his barbed naivety. It was all Ryuuzaki’s fault.

“You look pale, Raito-kun,” murmured L with concern. He tilted his head to one side, scratching his chin absentmindedly. “You’re not feeling well?”

“Never better,” he managed to rasp, throat dry. “I’m just a little confused is all. I didn’t see you as the type to give suspect mass murderers birthday presents.”

“You are surprised by me again, Yagami-kun,” sighed L chastisingly. He shook his head with something that might have been mocking – Raito was too hazy to notice or even hazard a guess. “This is happening entirely too often. I wonder, just what is going on in your head to think that I am so easy to predict?”

“Too much is going on in my head; that’s your answer,” retorted Raito. Good; he’d recovered enough sense to feel offended. “I’m a little taken aback. There’s no reason why I wouldn’t be. After all, you keep asserting your claim that I’m Kira; you keep me on a leash of all things for that reason. Why on earth would you do this for someone who you distrust so?”

L straightened his head, a faint smile creasing his deathly pale face. Raito’s eyes were drawn unwholesomely to his lips, the palest shade of pink conceivable. “You forget, Raito-kun. I want to believe that you are not Kira. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t Kira, but it does mean that I appreciate you to the extent of willing your innocence. That is something that I have never done before. Is that easier to understand?” He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “I am not used to explaining myself. This should be far too simple a concept for you to struggle for to grasp.”

“You don’t know what you’re telling me,” warned Raito. Gods… the barrage of thoughts had started again. If Ryuuzaki didn’t do something completely aggravating soon to break the mood, then Raito wasn’t sure what was going to happen. A strange, spacey feeling was filling his head and it was as if his stomach were coming detached. What the hell was wrong with him? Was it some disease? Mental scans of the massive medical journals that he had read did not seem to be turning up any possible results that could offer an answer to his discomfort. He had been in a perfectly sanitary environment. Maybe even an overly sanitary environment, due to L’s complete disregard for ironing but apparent obsession with every other form of hygiene. No one in the team was ill, and the only possible person he could have caught anything off of as far as viruses went was L, who was as unnaturally healthy as ever for someone who lived on a sugar based diet.

The only one who could be to blame was L.

This called for revenge.

Ryuuzaki frowned, eyebrows knit with perplexion. “I’m seriously concerned here, Raito-kun. You do not look yourself. Can I help you? Do you need anythi-” His eyes widened impossibly as Raito decided to give up the ghost once and for all, seizing the back of L’s swivel chair and hauling it across the floor and directly in front of himself. L stared up in shock at the youth standing over him, mouth ajar in confusion, paused by the unexpected interruption.

Raito knelt down, eyes serious on L’s own, still so impossibly startled. “You can help,” he said calmly, “by shutting up.”

And with that, he pressed forwards and caught the detective’s frozen lips with his own.

And as a human being, it is our obligation - and our duty; to find happiness within that life, no matter how slight, and latch on to that happiness by the ankles and never let go until it has pulled you out of the dank pits of despair.
- elizabeth gilbert