hello my children. today we're teaching two topics.


1. what I look for in a significant other

2. what kind of experience I want to have with said significant other, loosely classified as 'love'.






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I don't know.


I seriously don't know what I look for.










I look for good looks, of course, because I'm shallow like that
[hey, in a similarly shallow world like this; being epically devoid of depth is more of a survival tactic than anything else]


And at the same time, I look for the worthwhile value and depth, because I'm just stupid and hypocritical like that. Ha.



Which makes me sound like, or maybe if you understood me (you don't) and read between the lines, you'd hear some incoherent voice shouting inside yours truly that ...What is it? That I want a melodramatic love.

I want one that will kind of sweep me off my feet and lead me on some crazy mindfuckery journey and stay with me to my grave. Possibly land me in my grave too, if that's what it takes.

A part of me screams to have the path filled with the most risks, just for the sake of having a go, having a crazy shot, at loving the person who's doing all said mindfucking.


I. Have. No. Idea.



I bury my head in my hands (haha, you're right I do have poofy hair Tim), and I wonder curiously, what would it be like?

To, you know...



...If I hadn't become obsessed with mind games, with The Mind Games,
what would be?



is that even possible?

I remember when I was small, in the 'good old days,' I used to be the most rambunctious little butterfly. I'd have crushes like it was going out of style, nary a breather in between as I kept searching for another pretty boy to fawn over.

Ha. Fawn over. I love that word, and much to my embarrassment I think it's actually pretty pretty accurate.

I fawn over them, I fawned over those boys. To quote Elizabeth,

,to have boundary issues, one must have boundaries first, right?

At first, I had absolutely no boundaries with the crazy kind of adoration I dished out. Not a single regard or cautionary turn of head to it.

Now, I slightly, desperately want someone; not to cling to - but to scratch on like scratching posts were going out of style.
I want to play the games.
And that, is scary.

I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it's always been.

Always been? Ha. I wish.
I mean, for kami's sake...I can still clearly remember that day in P1 (or 2), when I had to hold Jeremy's hand and I tried to pull away (reverse psychology 8D), and he grabbed it back kind of irritated, and I was practically hyperventilating pink butterflies all over my tie and shirt.




is that even possible?
To go back to those old days?













...OKAY FINE.
Thus far you have been sheltered in the safe harbor of my sanity, but no longer!

I admit it. My OTP does have something to do with this...
And it doesn't help that my bible has the title Mind Games in it too. Hmmph.


But now that I think about it...I look at every single pairing I have and I am just not satisfied.

There is a saying that, 'if you accept nothing but the best, you will very often get it.'

However haven't you heard the fable that you work your way up from the bottom and from what you don't want, you eventually get what you desire?



...I don't know anymore...

I know to dish out my stone solid expectations for our first meeting would be an absolute piece of shit, but frankly, if it's love at first sight, I am going to batter whatever angel who's up there in charge of me.


...Nah, it can't be love at first sight.

There's only infatuation at first sight.




You know I push myself so hard, sometimes, to feel something: anything, for the breathing human being next to me but I just can't: it's as if hormones decided they just don't like me anymore and ran away from my person. and NOW...now I just can't like a person, I mean: I can.

But I can't seem to like them, in that way. You know.


...And if that person's not a suitable match for me, fine.
But this has gone on for long enough and I just can't like someone anymore, for some reason. To put it simply, that's how it is.
(/random digressing!)





[i know i love three days grace but honestly? what self-respecting insane person would rather feel pain than numbness? no offense.]

what it takes to keep faith:

stupidity

hard-headedness

love for the one who made the promise

hope

desperate longing for the end reward

desire

stupidity.





which stands to reason that I am absolutely insane,
because I just keep checking through her activities and everything is listed 2008 and I keep going oh god no no no,
and yet I dump all my religion to stalk one writer and pray like a madman that she'll update. That she's alive.

What have I been reduced to?





















WHOA WHOA SUDDENLY:
In one last, desperate ditch attempt, I check her favorites.


1. Blind » by Tai Ping
reviews

Plot Bunny Exchange:"One must picture a person’s face to kill them using the Death Note. Then, it could be presumed, that it was very fortunate or perhaps unfortunate that Yagami Raito was born blind." - Nilah Oneshot no longer!
Death Note - Fiction Rated: T - English - Humor/General - Chapters: 7 - Words: 9,616 - Reviews: 110 - Updated: 5-30-09 - Published: 4-27-08 - - Light Y.

well. I'm rightfully overjoyed now.
And yes, I have just been moaning about how I thought Nilahxapiel, the goddess of those damn awesome fics, has just stopped writing. Well, actually that's not half as bad as the possibility that she's quit the site altogether.
But no.
And steeped with her promise...
I'll await Chapter 17, from, one of your fans.

...
and anyway, reality bores me.

I think I'll do just fine without love if I'm happy off that way.





That concludes today's lesson kids! Class dismissed.
























♣____________

PS/ has anyone else had this experience; you know you wake up feeling damned lethargic, not tired in a sense but your body is half dead and you have bags of drowsiness under your eyes. And for the whole freaking day, you kind of just want to curl up? And you have a feeling this has something to do with the...uh...extra-curricular activities you decided to do last night because you couldn't sleep?

anyone?





and HOLY FUCK, type in 'nilahxapiel' in Google: 629 RESULTS. le wow lol.




(BAHAHAHA I'M READING HARDCORE YAOI
AND MY MOTHER'S LIKE, TWO METERS AWAY FROM ME
OH GOD)