School tomorrow!

The horror. The sheer, indescribable terror.

... Who cares. -__-

It may not be something I ever look forward to for as long as I live, but it will still be better than adulthood, at least.

For some reason...Never really liked school here.

Fitting in is not the same as belonging.
Belonging is knowing that you share a part of the school's heart, that you can be comfortable being yourself within that community...Fitting in is just conforming.

And I don't belong here. Whenever I 'be myself' (which is always...), I feel like I'm trying hard to make some sort of unspoken point. It drains my energy.

Bleh.

Anyway, I had another dream last night. Also, today is a day for revelation, for I just realized two things. Plus, some random shat about life an such. And I think I have blood pressure problems.



Let's take it one at a time.


The dream was....

...Jesus Christ. I'm watching the Lady and the Tramp now. It's so distracting. xD

UH OKAY THE DREAM WAS.
...rather bizzaro, because there were so many board and vast themes to the dream.
Maybe that's because it was more than one dream. it has been scientifically proven that dreams last no longer than ten minutes, so it's certainly possible. Wait, of course it's possible. -__- Did I not have two dreams in a row just a few days from today?!


One of those dreams were about eating bugs. Which I simply cannot understand, seriously. Why the fuck? Bugs? ... I don't even know if it was one crazy, interconnected dream, even...

They (and when I say they I mean the scientists) say dreams are the windows to your subconscious. Well, that explains a lot for the first dream. Thank you. Not.

...Also, since dreams are the window to your subconscious, doesn't that mean that Bella is basically, Smeyer, just thinner with less kids? Oh dear. If that's so, then since Bella is a horrid Mary-sue, Smeyers is a living, breathing Mary-sue. Jesus Christ, I think God is running out of good personalities to give us.

Uh, okay, enough with the bashing. That's not my style.

Anyway, the second dream was so clear-cut. I was immediately in Indonesia, in some shabby, tiny, dark apartment, and all sorts of mess was around the place.

The only lighting? A bulb hanging (precariously, I might add) from the ceiling.

And only one desk. And only one person sitting at it.


... My maid.



This dream, I forgot a lot more rapidly than the one I had about Mu/Hell. but I remember it's ending, although I don't know how I arrived in that setting. Was I even shown how I arrived there?

Apparently, I couldn't stay forever. I had to go. I don't even remember, now, whether that maid was Sri or Rosalie... all I remember is that I honestly loved them like anyone shouldn't love their caretaker. And I loved them to itty bitty little pieces. And they were so fucking poor, and uneducated. I asked her what her plans where, she drew out a map from the drawer and pointed out to me various schools. 'Get through Primary, Secondary, and University,' she told me. And I realized she wasn't schooled at all, so she was planning to start. It made no sense, but...it did.

And when I had to go, I realized how fortune seriously had neglected her, and how I am such a hypocrite not to give two shits about the starving children in Africa, and only pour my pity onto this twenty, thirty?- something woman who wasn't schooled at all, and then...I think it ended.








... :/

if this is a window into my subconscious, my subconscious is fucked up.









Uh, anyway, with that not-so-memorable-and-slightly-freaky-and-throughly-unnecessary-,-thank-you-very-much,-subconscious:-NOT, dream, let's switch topic. Also because, as I said, I'm watching LaTT and it is SO hard not to stay cheerful xD

Anyway as I was saying, today is a day for revelation.
Two not very happy revelations ):







Firstly, I found out why I have so few close friends...and so few close enemies, and actually none of the latter at all...

Is because, in my jaundiced eyes...All I see are numbers above their heads.

Everyone's below me, so to speak.

The numbers? Their lifespan: I am immortal, and to me...They're mortal. if I were to be Kami-esque, scum. P:

Everyone's below me, so to speak.

[Please, for the following, I hereby profusely apologize for sounding like some sort of whiny fucker with a Messiah complex: Let me assure you, I have both a superiority complex and an inferiority complex when it comes to different aspects of life...this is the former aspect.]

I have not found anyone on my level.

Intellectually speaking, anyone who is not as smart as me...but as...matured, as me.

Look at me. can't even get into the gifted stream. Probably not EM1, for that matter. If you think I'm talking about that kind of mature, you're wrong.

When I say matured...I mean, someone who's thought far too much on certain matters, seen too little of the world to already know it's good-for-nothing, and has spent so much time thinking about what really matters in life to know that it's eventually going to kill you.

And well, while I know all that, I'm not some overly angsting kid.
...I just know it.

Now, even I myself, in this time of ego-buttresting, doubt and think: am I really as matured as I say I am? I mean, my parents are forty. They have lived so much longer. Surely they are more fixed and stable in what they know, more certain and sure in what to do with their lives, than I am.

And then I think back to the day my mother just as good confessed to me that she chose to brainwash herself and become oh-so-slightly a religious fanatic, that age means nothing to maturity.

Just like a brand does nothing to establish how good the wine inside the bottle is, as my father so helpfully enlightened me on.

Ah - and what about my father?

...I don't know. I hardly know anything about my father. That's not why I prefer him.

...Um, take Risa for example. I don't know anything about her, except that she's THE one to go to if you're up for some crack insanity (♥ ya, bitch, now make me a sammich)

And her humor and good-naturedness is the only thing I can enjoy about her...Because that's all I ever know about her. P:

For all I know, she's above me in terms of humor :3 The same goes for my father




There's only one person who I reckon may even be higher than me :)
But of course, he was an old relief teacher of mind, so naturally, as well as looking to him, I'd look up to him. He's fun, and I have spilt my heart to him once, when distraught (trust me it made quite a mess, my heart), and to be honest that was absolutely refreshing.

So, thanks, dude. We should talk more often D:




But IRL, I seriously have not ever found anyone, who can connect to me, in my level. I may be able to enjoy them, honestly, some of the people I enjoy quite a lot, but they never show me just what level they're on, and from the little things I record about them in my mind...

They fall short.

Nobody I can ever really talk to, they never understand.

You don't have to agree with a person to understand them. Or at the very least, get a grasp on their fundamentals.

"No one had ever pushed his buttons in such a way. At least, no one had ever managed to do it more than once.

No one had ever done it and still been respected by him before."

●▬▬▬▬▬๑۩۩๑▬▬▬▬▬▬●
now for some random shat about life an such, as I promised.

For the second revelation, I found out the trick to animating!

It's not to use lots of frames. It's not (really...) to check anatomy every five seconds and use lots of references.

It's accuracy. Deadbeat accuracy.
Accuracy to character design, character proportions, character shapes and sizes. Character design. If you can make your character look true and blue to how they're supposed to look, and not vary it, you will pwn at animating.

So that's where I've went wrong. Huh.







Also... blood pressure problems.
Now the last time I checked (was a few years ago), and at that time the pressure was high. Too high. It was bad. I doubt it has gotten better.

Now, oh, now.

When it's cold, the blood pumps through my body even faster, and I mean I can hear my heartbeat thudding in my ears and my neck. It's probably doing me no good. And it's happening right now, in front of the computer screen: I'm shivering. Fuck. Any remedies? ):








And now for a random update: Can't Go Back by Hedley is officially my new theme/favorite song.
All bow down to the tune that rocks both our socks off. Amen.




๑۩۩๑
In a time when everything was free

And the whole damn world revolved around me

I can't go back
and I won't go back to you



But I can't set free

[this part of me]

When I'm crawling back to you

And I won't let you forget

[how far we've gone]

Because that

one
great
final
mistake


I won't let you make

- So take my advice,
and save your goodbyes

You're never alone