you can't even put a face to her name-.



I LIVE!

school was fun hehehe. I love German class. Funny shit. First thing that happened when we walked in, the teacher didn't speak ANY English whatsoever.

She just introduced herself in German, repeating it a few times, and then asked us, what is your name?

Haha. It was so fun. I can introduce myself in five languages now (English, Chinese, Japanese, German, French). I forgot my French numbers though, those were fugly. But German....

0 - null

1- eins

2- zwei

3 - drei

4 - vair

5 - funf

6 - sechs

7 - sieben

8 - acht

9 -neun

10 -zehn


I AM AWESOME! Go me.

Lunchtime. Now I have established a little clique of sorts. Me, India, this Georgia person (who is rather cooler than us, so I shall use her as a ladder on the food chain), and this...I forget how to spell her name. But shit we have lots in common.

And...Gods above, but she reminds me of Michelle...its no wonder I took a liking to her straightaway. And she chose to hang out with us.

I'm astounded...This year might not turn out so bad after all.

We laughed and joked and had fun during lunchtime. It was....It was great.

"Okay so, I lost three things today. My way, my blazer, and my mind...but I found them all. I found my way, I found my blazer, and I found out that it was lunchtime, I'm so awesome!"

"Haha yeah sure you are"

English class was...well, we had a substitute, and we sat at the same table, its easy to guess how to conversation goes.

"Okay so check this. I know English and Chinese, I took a year of Japanese, I'm now taking French and German, and I want to learn Korean and Russian."

India did this face -> O_O

we joked, we messed around, we went crazy and silly.

"By the way, just curious...do you guys like Twilight?"

"No. I want to buy it so I can BURN it."

"Haha same!"

It begins.

I am going to spend the last day of my holiday in a useful manner...

...by going through wiki and seeing how many PDs I have.

I'm doing humanity a favour here; now you know how to act around me.





"Schizotypal personality disorder, or simply schizotypal disorder, is a personality disorder that is characterized by a need for social isolation, odd behavior and thinking, and often unconventional beliefs.

A pervasive pattern of social and interpersonal deficits marked by acute discomfort with, and reduced capacity for, close relationships as well as by cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities of behavior, beginning by early adulthood (in persons older than aged eighteen years) and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Ideas of reference (excluding delusions of reference)

2. Odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with subcultural norms (e.g., superstitiousness, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations)

3. Unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions

4. Odd thinking and speech (e.g., vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped)

5. Suspiciousness or paranoid ideation

6. Inappropriate or constricted affect

7. Behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar

8. Lack of close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives (ha, not even first degree relatives...)

9. Social anxiety that tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about self.

- It is characterized as:

A disorder characterized by eccentric behaviour and anomalies of thinking and affect which resemble those seen in schizophrenia, though no definite and characteristic schizophrenic anomalies have occurred at any stage. There is no dominant or typical disturbance, but any of the following may be present:

1. inappropriate or constricted affect (the individual appears cold and aloof);

2. behaviour or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar;

3. poor rapport with others and a tendency to social withdrawal;

4. odd beliefs or magical thinking, influencing behaviour and inconsistent with subcultural norms;(MAGICAL THINKING HELLZ YEAH. did I tell you I was a unicorn in my past life?)

5. suspiciousness or paranoid ideas;

6. obsessive ruminations without inner resistance, often with dysmorphophobic, sexual or aggressive contents;

7. unusual perceptual experiences including somatosensory (bodily) or other illusions, depersonalization or derealization;

8. vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped thinking, manifested by odd speech or in other ways, without gross incoherence;

9. occasional transient quasi-psychotic episodes with intense illusions, auditory or other hallucinations, and delusion-like ideas, usually occurring without external provocation.



- Histrionic Personality Disorder

". Associated features may include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, feelings that are easily hurt, and persistent manipulative behaviour to achieve their own needs."

- Narcissistic Personality Disorder

* unprincipled narcissist - including antisocial features. A charlatan - is a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual.

* amorous narcissist - including histrionic features. The Don Juan or Casanova of our times - is erotic, exhibitionist.

- Antisocial Personality Disorder

Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD or APD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual as "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood."[1]
Symptoms

Characteristics of people with antisocial personality disorder may include:[3]

* Persistent lying or stealing

* Superficial charm[4][5]

* Apparent lack of remorse[4] or empathy; inability to care about hurting others

* Inability to keep jobs or stay in school[4]

* Impulsivity and/or recklessness[4]

* Lack of realistic, long-term goals — an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals

* Inability to make or keep friends, or maintain relationships such as marriage

* Poor behavioral controls — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats,
aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper

* Narcissism, elevated self-appraisal or a sense of extreme entitlement

* A persistent agitated or depressed feeling (dysphoria)

* A history of childhood conduct disorder

* Recurring difficulties with the law

* Tendency to violate the boundaries and rights of others

* Substance abuse

* Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights

* Inability to tolerate boredom

* Disregard for the safety of self or others

* Persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social rules, obligations, and norms

* Difficulties with authority figures [6]

A) There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and the rights of others occurring since the age of 15, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;

2. deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;

3. impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;

4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;

5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others;

6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;

7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:

1. Callous unconcern for the feelings of others and lack of the capacity for empathy.

2. Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations.

3. Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships.

4. Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

5. Incapacity to experience guilt and to profit from experience, particularly punishment.

6. Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior bringing the subject into conflict.

7. Persistent irritability.


[edit] Millon's subtypes

Theodore Millon identified five subtypes of antisocial [12][13]. Any individual antisocial may exhibit none, one or more than one of the following:

* covetous antisocial - variant of the pure pattern where individuals feel that life has not given them their due.

* reputation-defending antisocial - including narcissistic features

* risk-taking antisocial - including histrionic features

* nomadic antisocial - including schizoid, avoidant features

* malevolent antisocial - including sadistic, paranoid features.


- Sadistic Personality Disorder

A) A pervasive pattern of cruel, demeaning, and aggressive behavior, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by the repeated occurrence of at least four of the following:

1. has used physical cruelty or violence for the purpose of establishing dominance in a relationship (not merely to achieve some noninterpersonal goal, such as striking someone in order to rob him/her).

2. Humiliates or demeans people in the presence of others.

3. has treated or disciplined someone under his/her control unusually harshly.

4. is amused by, or takes pleasure in, the psychological or physical suffering of others (including animals).

5. has lied for the purpose of harming or inflicting pain on others (not merely to achieve some other goal).

6. gets other people to do what he/she wants by frightening them (through intimidation or even terror).

7. restricts the autonomy of people with whom he or she has a close relationship, e.g., will not let spouse leave the house unaccompanied or permit teenage daughter to attend social functions.

8. is fascinated by violence, weapons, injury, or torture.









this article really makes me feel good about myself, it does ~

on another note, tomorrow is school. i blame my lack of updates for the fact that its holidays...hopefully all that will change when I enter Welly Girls'. I mean, for the next five years I shall be visiting the Planet of the Virgin Marys, THAT's gotta be interesting right?

Till then, ta ta! I'll be back :3

"The first kind of melancholy I mentioned is completely unproductive, and yet at the same time unavoidable. It's just something that ... happens. That kind of sadness is something that just is. Like rocks. They just...are.

The second kind, however, is...Depressingly uplifting. That makes no sense, but at the same time it's the most apt way I can describe it. It's kind of melancholy you get when you hear about someone fulfilling his death wish and dying happily. It's kind the kind of melancholy where you are the person fulfilling your death wish, and you die happily."

_____

Oooooo Christ I didn't even like it when it started, but it built up to something so magnificent. Their Love was tangible. And...and I see loopholes.

But for the first time I didn't even mind.

For The First Time Ever loopholes were...okay.

It was just too beautiful.

The final chapter had me accepting it; okay, sad ending.

And I did accept it.

It was a beautiful way to end it all. With a goodbye. With a fatal finality. And it was poetic justice, all of it.

I was pretty damn happy. Well okay no, I was ready to cry, but then: epilogue?

I'd always set it in my head that epilogues were stuff like Poison Apple's epilogue. A flashback, a time-jump scene from before, some memorable detail cleverly used to finally unleash the waterworks.

and by God it did come very close to unleashing waterworks.


I love sad endings, but... happy ones like this... oh Lord above.



'save me' did it. I was then reduced to a Christie-shaped emotional, writhing mess on my tabletop.


Ahhhhhh Love.



... okay, now that's off my chest. thank you for listening.

(but not off my mind)

Uhhh...

HELLO.

... 8)

God, my long absence. yes. i know. let's leave that out first, shall we? because i'm kinda in a...rather emotional state right now.

i went to youtube. nothing. refreshed about 4 times. nobody really was online on msn. deviantart was out of the question. ff.net? that's the cause for all this. kol...wasn't in the mood.

so i came here.

simply because i needed somewhere to vent...like i'm quite choked up and such.

phew.


okay.

i feel better.

... much better.




... :)



listening to rock from rise against probably helped that too...




fuck damnnnnn.


uhhh it feels so strange to talk about this. but it's choked me up in the most UNBELIEVABLE way.


Beautiful Disaster is actually a lot like Poison Apple I think!

I had some truly bizzare dreams last night...

The first was set in a shopping centre, with my parents and somehow there was a knitting club involved and an old argument over waking hours and a hissy fit from me and lots of tears and old dears and schoolbags. That was the weirdest.

The second actually involved YNTV; somehow Challenge 2 became a combined Challenge 2 and 3, and I'd made a really suckish video for No. 2 which had...Avatar footage? Wow. My mind recreated the Avatar scenes amazingly well. Anyway I failed Challenge 2 haha.

The third one was somehow about this really cute guy whom I had no recollection of ever encountering. He was one of those playful and reckless types and we were supposed to make a sculpture out of like plaster or something and then somehow he fucked up and made a fire. The fire was intentional, but the small flame getting out of hand wasn't. And then I made a dash for it and alerted the fire alarm in the school. He was a crying wreck afterwards. Haha. I can't believe I had a crush on a guy in a dream xD

There's what my mom calls a 'getai' every night around here, a tent looking very much like that of a circus set up just on the grass patch opposite the HDB flats. Every night they relentlessly play celebration music, but the songs differ greatly.
For example, for the last few days it had been senseless drum banging. Earlier on, singing.

Today, though, I heard something different. The drums this time were structured and more mellow, and there were electric guitars. A lot of them. It sounded almost like something from a rock band.

But then after that it was followed up by one of those ladies singing Hokkien tunes in their typical way; voices dripping with honey. Oh well. It was good while it lasted. xD

______________________________

There's something else too. The colors. In the sky. You never would get those in New Zealand.

After I took my bath I stared out at the sky. It was musty, dusty, stale, tired. A pathetic excuse for purple, it was more like red blended with black/brown. There was, however, a smidgen of cool, pale navy blended in with the canvas over one of the buildings, suppressing a pale white light underneath. It would be impossible to tell whether the sun was rising or setting if you only had this image to go by.

I was thinking that maybe you didn't get these colors in NZ because the air is purer there, but I prefer this shade all the same.

I am finding out that these are, perhaps, the loosest days of my life. Only comparable to that huge campervan trip in Australia when I was a little kid; and like those days, here I'm free to do whatever I want.

I quite like this feeling.

"Aunt Michelle's returned."

Aunt Michelle had been inhabiting my room in the one year that I'd gone, living with granma. I'm not sure how she did that. Must've been a very awkward roomate relationship.

I nodded my comprehension...And proceeded to catch another 40 winks.

When I did wake up, I found Aunt Michelle in the living room, on the sofa. We talked and chatted, even though I felt a bit awkward at having to wander around with a bunch of adults in only a pair of loose pj's and a just-woke-up kind of expression on my face.

Mom had to go out for lunch with her buddies. More like a full-day outing. She left at around noon and didn't return until after me and aunt Michelle had dinner.

Lunch was chicken rice (again). We talked and chatted a lot, and I got on really comfortably with her. Apparently she'd been in Perth lately. Sweeet. We talked about Singapore in general, what I missed and stuff, but we also talked about her some. I hate when the conversation is so focused on me, it makes me feel like an attention whore.

In between we hardly interacted, I mean you know me, given the chance I curl up in my room for hours on end on the computer.

Dinnertime. Kway tiao was on the menu. Aunt Michelle bowed her head low in silence before she tucked in, which made me pause. Oh...She was a Christian. Wow. How did all the relatives on my Mom's side turn to Christianity? Surely someone must've played Evangelist in the household.

We talked again, this time about Korea, Korean, and Korean dramas. Yeah. She'd recently been to Korea and I was asking her a lot of stuff. Are there seasons there? (Yes) Is the food nice? (Yes, very) Isn't the food spicy? (Yeah, I like spicy stuff)

"The people are nice," she said. "Very polite. Deep Confucius teachings, respect your elders and all that."

"Wow," I said. "I want to go to Korea someday."

Eventually she found out the cause of my interest in Korean culture - I'd watched KDramas. And so did she. So we talked and went over the titles of some dramas we knew. After that we started talking about languages - she'd studied French and Korean before, this aunt had studied so-and-so, this and that and it was traveler's jargon in general. Which is strange because I am not a traveler. Not at all. Not yet.

I like aunt Michelle, she seems young enough for me to be comfortable around her and not disdainful and uninterested like I am around most adults. Yet at the same time she's got that adult, mature air among her, confidence and security, and if I trust her I will know I'm not trusting some unreliable teen.

the human mind really is a terribly odd thing, isn't it?


I get depressed, too.
Like just a few days ago. I was sitting and staring at the buildings and my thoughts went somewhere along the lines of

'what am I doing here?'

And 'here' wasn't referring to Singapore. 'here' was referring to this damn godforsaken (god-given) planet.


I was thoroughly bored with ... everything. Boredom, it seems, is joint-juncture to melancholy in my mind.

'what matters anymore? no...who matters?

who matters these days, anyway?

things die.'


However, the irony is in those times when I feel melancholy, but not the kind of melancholy that is inflicted from boredom.


I was reading Ghost Factory just now. And, mind you, while Poison Apple literally blew my mind and sent it spinning across the floor, I've avoided rereading it.
Yes, this is something new. Because yes, I do reread fanfictions. Multiple times.

But generally, I avoid melancholy where I can. Unless it's a oneshot, because the effects of oneshots are mostly short-lasting. But chapter after chapter of very real agony? ... too painful.


The first kind of melancholy I mentioned is completely unproductive, and yet at the same time unavoidable. It's just something that ... happens. That kind of sadness is something that just is. Like rocks. They just...are.

The second kind, however, is...Depressingly uplifting. That makes no sense, but at the same time it's the most apt way I can describe it. It's kind of melancholy you get when you hear about someone fulfilling his death wish and dying happily. It's kind the kind of melancholy where you are the person fulfilling your death wish, and you die happily.

It's also the kind of melancholy that is served in generous portions for breakfast lunch and dinner in Poison Apple.

Ghost Factory made me so unbelievably emotional. I couldn't bear to read Silence after that, it was just too much.

And it hits home, too.

The thing is, what matters, does. And at the same time, it doesn't.

Whoever matters, doesn't. And whoever matters does.

If it can make you happy feel (alive.), it matters. And at the same time, anything that can make you feel will die, one day. So in the grand scheme of things, nothing, and nobody, matters.

But step away from the big picture, and in the fine print, it matters.

It matters to you and it matters to nobody else.

Sometimes, beauty is the only currency that is real.

And while that can, understandably, depress others, that fact uplifts me.

Nothing matters to the world, which equals = freedom.

Don't be afraid to love, because in the end that love will die, too. You can love with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul, you can love unfathomably -

but your love will still die.

you will still die.

memento mori - it is a sad thing, it is a joyous cause for celebration.

Some things matter, and those are the only things you should care for because they'll be gone one day, just like that -click- with the wind, and so will you.

Who cares for immortality? When you're immortal, everything matters, and that's the same thing as saying nothing matters.
(isn't that right, kami?)

don't be afraid to love, because one day change will come on a wind (as it always does) and the unfathomable will be swept fathoms deep into the ocean.

have the time of your life .

Wow, Day 6 was by far the best day.

And I didn't see the awesomeness coming. In fact the day started out rather (very) shittily, for reasons I won't disclose even here.

I woke up so late, again, so breakfast was out of the question. Brunch? Chicken rice. Ah bliss.

Then we made our way to the bus stop because mom had to go and buy floor mats for the bathroom, and the shops selling them were quite a few blocks away. We chatted amiably, about things and stuff and more things and stuff. Both of us were in a good mood.

I sat in the bus shelter, right next to one of the poles acting as a pillar to hold the whole thing up. There were ants running up and down the pole, which connected into a yellow advertising billboard behind me.

Ants! Wow. Hadn't actually seen any in NZ, now I notice. I was actually pretty cruel to ants when I was in Singapore. I kept on teasing them, blowing them so they'd be frantic and run all over the place, peering into their nests and occasionally provoking their anthills with various objects of the stick variety.

The ants were crawling up and down the grey pole and into a slit on the billboard. It's kind of hard to explain...Anyway none of the ants could or would climb onto me, so don't worry.

There was a tiny slit at the bottom of the pole which lead into this metal base, and the ants came in and out of it. Huh...I wonder what was down there that was so fascinating. Anyway, I first saw that and tried to trace back to where the ants were coming from, or going to. However it seemed that they were getting to (or coming from? I could never figure out) the little slit. I blew at some of them, and they went haywire. but it wasn't so much fun.

I peered into the slit. There was some nondescript grey stuff down there. I expected it to be dust or maybe ash, dirty stuff like that. I blew into the slit.

A horde of ants scrambled out, carrying little white things in what seemed was their mouth.

Ew! Ew! I hadn't ever seen this before!

Then the bus came and I (hastily) boarded.

'Top deck top deck topdeck,' I said, gesturing. So mom and I found a seat on the upper level.

Breath only slightly erratic, I said, '...Can I tell you something?'

'Yeah?'

I told her about the ants. She started getting squeamish.

'Ew...'

'Haha I know!'

'Now I feel queasy...'

'What were those white things?'

'I think they were eggs...'

'Really? It looked like pieces of bread.'

'Well, if they're small and white...'

'Yeah, and they were all the same size...I guess those were eggs. Haha oh god, ew! Were those female ants carrying the eggs?'

'I don't know, I don't think so. The only female is a big one, and there's just one.'

'So were those, like...I mean do ant colonies work the same way like bees?'

'I suppose. The black ants are all male.'

'So...what's the female look like?'

'Very different. It's...big and white and transparent looking.'

I blanched. 'Hah - oh god ewwwwwwwww!'

Mom looked queasy, too. We laughed and the conversation kept on going.

_______________________________

we alighted.

'Don't think me silly for doing this, but...'

she opened up the umbrella. What the fuck?

'I don't want to get tanned,' she laughed. I laughed, too. 'Why not? You're as pale as a vampire!

'On the other hand, I'm so tanned...' I looked at my forearm. 'As dark as auntie Sri's skin.'

She was skeptical.

'Okay, almost as dark.'

Hm, the thing was, when auntie Sri was around I knew my skin was almost as tan as hers. But now it seems I had gotten paler. Huh.

I asked whether there were ways to make your skin paler.

'Sure, like Michael Jackson, you put whitener on. He has a whole crew of dermatologists to tend to him.'

'No but I mean like...natural methods. You get tan by lots of sun exposure, can you get paler by avoiding the sun?'

'Hm...yes.'

'Ah. That would explain things.'

But I wasn't too sure about it.



We joked all the way to the shop. Me and my mom get along awesomely sometimes.


Oh there were floor mats there alright, but mom needed 12 small ones and they came in packets of five. and they weren't the right color. So she decided to buy the mats another day, and we bought some biscuits back.

I hadn't seen any of those kinds of biscuits in new zealand. There were the brown, circular ones, the really hard ones. I wondered why they were called butterfly biscuits.

Ooh and then the wafers. You'd think they'd sell wafters in an ang mor country, but nooo...

And then pineapple biscuits. They reminded me of something.

"Hey," I said as the countergirl packed and measured our biscuits, "Do you know those..."

"Those what?"

"You know...Those snack things with the pineapple filling in them, covered in something, but I don't think it's bread or biscuit..."

"Oh! Pineapple tarts. Like the ones for Chinese New Year?"

"Yeah! Those. I liked those."

I don't think we'd be able to buy them this time of year though...oh well.

The flavor of the wafer I'd bought was strawberry.

___________________

We talked all the way back to the bus stop but the bus ride back was quiet and comfortable.

___________________

That night, we went out for a meal of hor fun, as we'd agreed to have. We went a different route this time, but the walk wasn't far from our block.

We passed a petshop. Mom pointed out a rabbit and I noticed some cute little hamsters, but mom was already ahead of me so I had to run to her.

'Aww! Can we go back by this same route?'

'Yeah, sure.'

Further on we passed a manga shop. A manga shop. I instinctively looked for DN copies.

I found them, on the top shelf. 11 Volumes. I spent a few quiet moments just staring.

"See anything you want?"

"Just...no, let's go." I hurried her on.

I made a decision not to buy any. Besides, what use would I have for them? I'd already seen the anime and I could read English scanlations online.

____________________

Hor fun was good. The serving was generous.

After the meal, sitting there in the spacious and cool area, we were both feeling pretty contented. Then;

"Let's go."

So we did.

As promised, we went back by the same route. And after that nice dinner, I'd made the decision to change my mind.

And I decided that tonight I would walk home with a Death Note volume in my hands.

Um...which Volume again?


I decided to just take the logical route and buy the first Volume. So I did.
Five bucks? Okay, so I might not know much (okay, I don't know anything) about mangas, but I thought they'd be far more expensive...In the double digits, at least. I mean, jesus. The artwork is gorgeous; five dollars?! That's blasphemy.

But then again, seeing how popular DN is, Obata should be rolling in the millions regardless...

Anyway.

I had it!
I had a real Death Note volume in my hands. Oh dear god. I felt delirious and simply happy. How easy it is to please a fangirl.

We passed the hamsters again, and I squee'd. Almost all of them were babies! Cute little ones, like the ones Cookie had before, the ones Mickey and Minnie had before. And the best thing was, more than one was in a cage. I'd learned from experience (and from a few books I'd read) that hamsters are solitary creatures. Cookie proved this to me when she brutally massacred another baby hamster that found his way into her cage.

But no, all the babies were together, and looking strangely panicked for some reason. They ran all around, over each other, under each other, each pawing the plastic sides of their cages as if trying to climb out? Strange. I laughed when one of them trod on top of his sleeping roomate.

________________________________